feeling awfully emotional today...

i recognize that this is neither 1. new or 2. news to anyone who knows me.  today, however, is a bit of a struggle.

i am facing making a pretty difficult and unpleasant decision.  i am getting a new car.  for most people, i know this would be an exciting time and a happy choice, but it isn't really for me.  i love my car, but it's having some pretty expensive issues and we just can't justify the price to fix the problems when balanced against how much it's worth.  so i'm faced with letting grover, my big blue monster, go.

this is harder than it probably should be because my mom actually 'picked out' my car.  shortly before she died, we were at the dealership looking at cars, and she looked down the row we were near and said 'what's that?' and pointed to a blue suv.  the salesman led us to a bright blue dodge nitro, which she (and i) loved the second we got in it.  i test drove it with her riding in the backseat, windows down, sun shining and radio playing.  it's a wonderful memory of a time that was the calm before the storm, the light before the darkness.   i have cherished my car ever since, because not only is it a great car and fun to drive (or it was, anyway), but because she loved it so.

i know that if she were alive today, she would tell me i'm being silly and that it's only a car.  she would want me to drive something safe and comfortable, especially with Charlotte on the way.  (i haven't had a working air conditioner in two years.  i got used to it, but i cannot subject my infant daughter to that kind of misery.)  so tonight, Thomas and i are going car shopping.  i have my eye on a pretty sweet hyundai santa fe at lowe toyota, so we'll see.

all day long, i've been thinking about the day i bought the nitro and how much fun i had driving mom around.  i know i'm sad for a much deeper reason than the car.  i'm sad because my mom never got the chance to meet my husband.  she never saw me in my wedding dress or saw my baby bump get bigger or saw her granddaughter kicking and squirming on an ultrasound screen.  except i think she did, from a comfy seat in Heaven.  but i didn't get to see her see any of that, and that hurts.  trading in the car is one more reminder of the mom i don't have here with me anymore, of the days when she was healthy and alive and full of life and joy and so, so much love.  the car is symbolic of what i've lost.

maybe now it's time to find a symbol of all i've gained.

we miss you, mom.  we love you, always.