i'm quite sure that everyone is sick of hearing me talk about my pregnancy. i try not to overload anyone. but now, more than halfway through with this whole deal (i'm now almost 24 weeks along), people like to ask questions, and i don't mind answering them. talking about her makes her more real, and i fall more in love with her every day. even with all the people congratulating us and asking tons of questions, i feel like people don't know why it is we feel little Charlotte is such an incredible gift for us. some of this may be tmi, and i apologize for that. if womanly functions make you squeamish, you might want to turn away now.
in early 2006, my period stopped. just, out of nowhere...total halt. it had been irregular for as long as i could remember, so at first, i wasn't concerned. i was so busy with work and my friends and family that it seemed less of a problem and more of a blessing, and i lost track of the amount of time i went without a period. time passed, far more than i should have allowed, and before i knew it, it was summer. one excessively warm morning in july, i awoke to pain so severe it made me vomit. when i was finally able to pull myself off the bathroom floor, i realized that my period had started. the cramps were unholy, and the amount of blood seemed a little much, but i assumed it was all due to the length of time that had passed. i cleaned myself up, took four advil, and went to work.
by the time i arrived at the office, i already needed to change my feminine protection. as the morning went on, i went back and forth to the bathroom a number of times...enough to catch the attention of my boss. she asked me what was wrong, and tired and feeling awful, i told her. she was immediately concerned and advised me to go to the doctor. when she heard i didn't have an ob/gyn, she gave me the name and number of hers. i called and once i explained the situation, i was set up for an emergency appointment. there, i was thoroughly examined and given a diagnosis: polycystic ovary syndrome. multiple cysts on both of my ovaries that were affecting my hormone production. it explained both the missing periods and the mega bleeding i was dealing with then. i was scheduled for surgery right away--a d&c, to clear my uterus and stop the bleeding. i was told that had i not come in, the results could have been much more dire. i was hemorrhaging from a pressure bleed in my uterus and could easily have bled to death.
the surgery was relatively easy. the recovery was harder, with terrible cramping, more bleeding, and an adverse reaction to the antibiotics. the emotional recovery was much worse. at my post-op followup, the doctor advised me that it was highly improbable and in fact unlikely that i would ever be able to have a child of my own. if i did manage to conceive, i would probably miscarry before the end of the first trimester. i was absolutely destroyed. for months afterward, the sight of a baby, the sound of a child's laugh, even seeing baby clothes in the store would set off a torrent of tears. i struggled to understand why God would allow someone who had so much love to give to a child to suffer such a fate. this contributed to the distance i felt forming between me and God, making the idea of worshiping Him that much harder. (that's a story for another time, though.) slowly, i tried to climb out of the dark, deep hole i found myself in, and i put the idea of having children away, believing that it wouldn't matter since i would be single the rest of my life anyway.
fast forward to 2009, when i met my husband. before we ever got engaged, we had a long talk about the future and what we wanted. Thomas wanted children, and i had to explain my painful secret to him. he was amazing in reacting to the whole thing, and he told me that we would adopt if need be. he didn't care where the kids came from as long as they ended up with us. i had already realized what an incredible man he was--this just sealed the deal. we decided that after we got married, we would give getting pregnant a shot after we'd been married a year.
less than two weeks after our one year anniversary, the word 'pregnant' appeared on the digital pregnancy test i took. and now, 6 months later, i feel my little girl, my princess, my Charlotte Grace nudging at the inside of my belly as i type this story out for you.
all children are blessings, yes. and they are all miracles. mine just happens to be a little more miracle to me. so yeah, maybe i am a little biased. ;)
