this is what the shutdown really looks like

Do you want to know what a government shutdown will look like?  It looks like this...

Because my husband works for the DOD, he faces an indefinite furlough from his job.  We've already weathered the furloughs related to the sequester, and those took a massive hit on us.  Now, we're facing either A) complete financial ruin due to a total loss of income or B) a complete upheaval of our entire lives.

If Thomas's office is closed indefinitely because of the shutdown, he will be looking for another job.  Because all of the jobs in the local area in his line of work are directly tied to RAFB, there would be nothing here for him.  He could look in the surrounding area, but then he'd have a costly commute and the chances that he won't be making as much as he is now, putting even more financial strain on us.  The more likely scenario would be that he would need to take a job outside the area, probably Atlanta.

We own our home and would have to sell it.  Houses in our neighborhood take a while to sell, and it would take some time to get the house ready to sell.  In that case, it looks like my husband would be living temporarily in Atlanta alone, without me and without our daughter.  She and I would remain here, trying to sell this house, our home, where we began our family--the only home Charlotte has ever known.  Until the time the house sells, we would be paying a mortgage and rent for a place for Thomas to stay, not to mention utilities for both locations.  Again, furthering the financial strain.

And for anyone who asks 'well Bria, why don't you go to work?', my answer is simple.  With my degree and education, I still would not be able to find a job that pays enough to cover the loss of Thomas's income.  Not even close.  (Even if we weren't in this situation, it makes more sense for me to stay home with Charlotte, since I'd likely only be making enough to cover daycare costs.)

So here we are, discussing how we'd market our home and how we would deal with being separated from each other and how we'd pay for two residences on an income similar to the one that pays for our single residence now.  The little money we had saved was used to help us recover from the sequester, so we have nothing left in reserves.

The worst part?  Our daughter would go days at a time without seeing her father.  As someone who was once in that position (my father lived in Warner Robins during the week and came home on weekends), I can attest to how difficult that is for a child.  I would miss my husband terribly, but the thought of my daughter missing him is heartbreaking to me.

I'm sure there are many, many other stories like ours and many, many that are worse.  We are grateful to have one another and to have some sort of options, but this is harder than anyone not in our shoes can possibly imagine for us.  I wish I had a way to tell our story to the politicians who are more concerned about political capital than about the security and stability of the American people.  Maybe then, they'd consider finding a middle ground that wouldn't cause anyone to have to make the decisions we are contemplating now.

fantine and cosette

'les mis'.  yeah, i know.  you know it's my favorite musical, that i know all the words to all the songs, that i used to daydream about being in the show.  i feel the emotions in the music...the sadness and the loss of those you love, the hope and dream of a better life, the desire to fight for what you believe you deserve.  eponine's wish to be loved?  i get it.  valjean's work to be a better man?  makes sense.  but it wasn't until recently that i truly understood fantine and the agony she endured.

the pain of her love and her loss wasn't hard to comprehend.  i think most all of us have endured such a loss at one point or another.  what was beyond my grasp until now was her desperate desire to protect and care for her child, no matter the cost.  yes, i understood--theoretically--that a mother would stop at nothing to make sure her child was safe.  i'd seen it in my own mother, saw it in my friends who had children...and yet i myself could not understand that relentless drive to do any and everything for my child.  that is, until june 23rd of last year.

i would walk through fire for charlotte.  i would give all of my money, time, energy, everything for her.  i would kill to protect her.  i would die for her.  willingly and without question.  i almost did and would do it again.  there's nothing i wouldn't do to protect my daughter, to take care of her, to make sure that she has everything she needs and never goes without.  sacrifice, starve, suffer...i don't care.  i don't know a mother who doesn't feel exactly the same way.

today, while sitting on the floor playing with charlotte and listening to the 10th anniversary concert soundtrack, i cried for fantine.  not during 'i dreamed a dream', which is lovely and powerful (example: anne hathaway's shiny new oscar).  no, my tears were flowing during 'fantine's death'.  listening to her not only hallucinate seeing her precious child playing as she gets ready to sing a lullaby, but hearing her beg valjean to take her daughter into his keeping, to raise her and love her as his own as she waits for death...it just broke my heart.  how very much fantine loved her cosette!  she worked tirelessly--both in legal and illegal venues--to provide what she can to care for the best thing in her life.  and in the end, when her life was ending, she made the final sacrifice to give her child--the light of her sad life--to a man she knew would be a father to her and would love her without letting her forget about the mother she lost.

when i look into charlotte's eyes, everything fantine did makes sense.  it makes my heart ache to think of what that sacrifice must have done to her and what a incredible sense of loss she must have endured.  it's the better spirit that comes of being a mother, one who loves her child more than anything in the world, that makes such an action possible.  what an amazing testimony to the strength of a mother's love.  charlotte is the best of my life, and though giving her up for any reason would feel like dying...well, i already said it.  there's nothing i wouldn't do for her.

what's in my diaper bag?

ok, y'all know me.  i love bags.  no one should be surprised by this.  as such, i knew when i was pregnant with charlotte that i had to find the perfect diaper bag.  i was blessed to be given an awesome diaper bag with charlotte's name and an owl embroidered on it by my bff kathryn, but when charlotte got older and needed more stuff, it ran out of room :/.  i went through...i have no idea how many bags.  i loved them all for different reasons but couldn't find the one bag that had it all.

until...

someone at skip*hop must have been following me around on my search, because they designed a bag that finally met my needs and looked awesome doing it.

this is the skip*hop grand central diaper bag in cinnamon.  it has about a billion pockets (no, not really, but i'm not sure how many) and holds everything i carry easily.  i'm a serious overpacker and this bag can handle it.  i love it.  it's made from an easy to clean material (just wipes off!  awesome!) and the straps have a nice drop length.  the bottle pockets on either side are insulated and are large enough to hold two bottles in each.

the bag has three compartments.  the two outer have snaps that hold them closed, and the middle one has a zipper.  it also has two zip pockets on the front and a slip pocket in the back.  i use the front compartment for my things, the middle for diapering supplies and toys, and the back for food/snacks.

so, what exactly am i carrying around these days?

in the front two pockets, i keep things i need to get to easily.  in the top pocket, i keep clorox wipes and pacifier wipes.  in the bottom, a burp cloth and a travel sprayer of lysol.  i usually keep a bib in there too, but i had to use it.  

 the insulated pockets on the sides are huge.  in one, i keep two of charlotte's bottles.  we use the playtex drop-in nursers, and i fill them with 6 oz. of water before going out.  in the other pocket, i keep her sippy (water with a splash of juice) and the innobaby pack and smart filled with sweet potato puffs from happy baby and gerber strawberry yogurt melts.

 first compartment: neutrogena shine control pressed rice powder, my keys, nyx mega shine lip gloss in golden pink, a pen, arrisse lipstick in wink, lypsyl beeswax lip balm, advil, nivea creme, and my wallet.

diapering supplies:  skip*hop changing pad (detached from a skip*hop pronto), honest company healing balm, 5 size 3 pampers cruisers, huggies wipes case with huggies one and done wipes in cucumber and green tea, a sleeper, huggies disposable changing pad, tide to go pen and a gallon size ziploc bag.

toys (and a couple of things i forgot in the last picture):  itzy ritzy snack bag in whale watching pink, sophie la giraffe teether (full sized sophie is hanging out in the car), bright starts teething rings, monkey rattle, haba color snake clutching toy, aden and anais swaddle blanket, taggies blanket, booginhead sippiegrip straps, baby buddy secure-a-toy, baby einstein take along tunes, garanmals teething book, arm and hammer dirty diaper bag dispenser, babyganics daily moisturizing lotion.

health and grooming:  carter's swaddle blanket (pink flamingos!  so cute!), contents beauty case, japonesque hippo hairbrush, contents of medi-buddy first aid kit including bandaids and stickers, boogie wipes, baby tylenol and syringe, infant gas drops, hyland's teething gel, boudreaux's baby kisses, humphrey's teething strips, camillia, a thermometer, red cross nail clippers with magnifier, safety first comb.

foooood: itzy ritzy snack bag in cupcake couture, skip*hop zoo bib, baby mum-mums, oxo tot formula dispenser, playtex drop-in liners, nuby infant forks and spoons, piyo piyo baby food scissors, two sprout baby food pouches, gumdrop teether pacifier on a booginhead pacifier clip.

hanging on the outside of my bag is a purell hand sanitizer (not pictured) and this jujube paci pod, where i keep two pacifiers that charlotte just like chewing on.  the yellow has an owl on it--so cute!

so moms, what's in your diaper bag?