i recognize that this is neither 1. new or 2. news to anyone who knows me. today, however, is a bit of a struggle.
i am facing making a pretty difficult and unpleasant decision. i am getting a new car. for most people, i know this would be an exciting time and a happy choice, but it isn't really for me. i love my car, but it's having some pretty expensive issues and we just can't justify the price to fix the problems when balanced against how much it's worth. so i'm faced with letting grover, my big blue monster, go.
this is harder than it probably should be because my mom actually 'picked out' my car. shortly before she died, we were at the dealership looking at cars, and she looked down the row we were near and said 'what's that?' and pointed to a blue suv. the salesman led us to a bright blue dodge nitro, which she (and i) loved the second we got in it. i test drove it with her riding in the backseat, windows down, sun shining and radio playing. it's a wonderful memory of a time that was the calm before the storm, the light before the darkness. i have cherished my car ever since, because not only is it a great car and fun to drive (or it was, anyway), but because she loved it so.
i know that if she were alive today, she would tell me i'm being silly and that it's only a car. she would want me to drive something safe and comfortable, especially with Charlotte on the way. (i haven't had a working air conditioner in two years. i got used to it, but i cannot subject my infant daughter to that kind of misery.) so tonight, Thomas and i are going car shopping. i have my eye on a pretty sweet hyundai santa fe at lowe toyota, so we'll see.
all day long, i've been thinking about the day i bought the nitro and how much fun i had driving mom around. i know i'm sad for a much deeper reason than the car. i'm sad because my mom never got the chance to meet my husband. she never saw me in my wedding dress or saw my baby bump get bigger or saw her granddaughter kicking and squirming on an ultrasound screen. except i think she did, from a comfy seat in Heaven. but i didn't get to see her see any of that, and that hurts. trading in the car is one more reminder of the mom i don't have here with me anymore, of the days when she was healthy and alive and full of life and joy and so, so much love. the car is symbolic of what i've lost.
maybe now it's time to find a symbol of all i've gained.
we miss you, mom. we love you, always.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Friday, March 9, 2012
why my little miracle is a true miracle
i'm quite sure that everyone is sick of hearing me talk about my pregnancy. i try not to overload anyone. but now, more than halfway through with this whole deal (i'm now almost 24 weeks along), people like to ask questions, and i don't mind answering them. talking about her makes her more real, and i fall more in love with her every day. even with all the people congratulating us and asking tons of questions, i feel like people don't know why it is we feel little Charlotte is such an incredible gift for us. some of this may be tmi, and i apologize for that. if womanly functions make you squeamish, you might want to turn away now.
in early 2006, my period stopped. just, out of nowhere...total halt. it had been irregular for as long as i could remember, so at first, i wasn't concerned. i was so busy with work and my friends and family that it seemed less of a problem and more of a blessing, and i lost track of the amount of time i went without a period. time passed, far more than i should have allowed, and before i knew it, it was summer. one excessively warm morning in july, i awoke to pain so severe it made me vomit. when i was finally able to pull myself off the bathroom floor, i realized that my period had started. the cramps were unholy, and the amount of blood seemed a little much, but i assumed it was all due to the length of time that had passed. i cleaned myself up, took four advil, and went to work.
by the time i arrived at the office, i already needed to change my feminine protection. as the morning went on, i went back and forth to the bathroom a number of times...enough to catch the attention of my boss. she asked me what was wrong, and tired and feeling awful, i told her. she was immediately concerned and advised me to go to the doctor. when she heard i didn't have an ob/gyn, she gave me the name and number of hers. i called and once i explained the situation, i was set up for an emergency appointment. there, i was thoroughly examined and given a diagnosis: polycystic ovary syndrome. multiple cysts on both of my ovaries that were affecting my hormone production. it explained both the missing periods and the mega bleeding i was dealing with then. i was scheduled for surgery right away--a d&c, to clear my uterus and stop the bleeding. i was told that had i not come in, the results could have been much more dire. i was hemorrhaging from a pressure bleed in my uterus and could easily have bled to death.
the surgery was relatively easy. the recovery was harder, with terrible cramping, more bleeding, and an adverse reaction to the antibiotics. the emotional recovery was much worse. at my post-op followup, the doctor advised me that it was highly improbable and in fact unlikely that i would ever be able to have a child of my own. if i did manage to conceive, i would probably miscarry before the end of the first trimester. i was absolutely destroyed. for months afterward, the sight of a baby, the sound of a child's laugh, even seeing baby clothes in the store would set off a torrent of tears. i struggled to understand why God would allow someone who had so much love to give to a child to suffer such a fate. this contributed to the distance i felt forming between me and God, making the idea of worshiping Him that much harder. (that's a story for another time, though.) slowly, i tried to climb out of the dark, deep hole i found myself in, and i put the idea of having children away, believing that it wouldn't matter since i would be single the rest of my life anyway.
fast forward to 2009, when i met my husband. before we ever got engaged, we had a long talk about the future and what we wanted. Thomas wanted children, and i had to explain my painful secret to him. he was amazing in reacting to the whole thing, and he told me that we would adopt if need be. he didn't care where the kids came from as long as they ended up with us. i had already realized what an incredible man he was--this just sealed the deal. we decided that after we got married, we would give getting pregnant a shot after we'd been married a year.
less than two weeks after our one year anniversary, the word 'pregnant' appeared on the digital pregnancy test i took. and now, 6 months later, i feel my little girl, my princess, my Charlotte Grace nudging at the inside of my belly as i type this story out for you.
all children are blessings, yes. and they are all miracles. mine just happens to be a little more miracle to me. so yeah, maybe i am a little biased. ;)
in early 2006, my period stopped. just, out of nowhere...total halt. it had been irregular for as long as i could remember, so at first, i wasn't concerned. i was so busy with work and my friends and family that it seemed less of a problem and more of a blessing, and i lost track of the amount of time i went without a period. time passed, far more than i should have allowed, and before i knew it, it was summer. one excessively warm morning in july, i awoke to pain so severe it made me vomit. when i was finally able to pull myself off the bathroom floor, i realized that my period had started. the cramps were unholy, and the amount of blood seemed a little much, but i assumed it was all due to the length of time that had passed. i cleaned myself up, took four advil, and went to work.
by the time i arrived at the office, i already needed to change my feminine protection. as the morning went on, i went back and forth to the bathroom a number of times...enough to catch the attention of my boss. she asked me what was wrong, and tired and feeling awful, i told her. she was immediately concerned and advised me to go to the doctor. when she heard i didn't have an ob/gyn, she gave me the name and number of hers. i called and once i explained the situation, i was set up for an emergency appointment. there, i was thoroughly examined and given a diagnosis: polycystic ovary syndrome. multiple cysts on both of my ovaries that were affecting my hormone production. it explained both the missing periods and the mega bleeding i was dealing with then. i was scheduled for surgery right away--a d&c, to clear my uterus and stop the bleeding. i was told that had i not come in, the results could have been much more dire. i was hemorrhaging from a pressure bleed in my uterus and could easily have bled to death.
the surgery was relatively easy. the recovery was harder, with terrible cramping, more bleeding, and an adverse reaction to the antibiotics. the emotional recovery was much worse. at my post-op followup, the doctor advised me that it was highly improbable and in fact unlikely that i would ever be able to have a child of my own. if i did manage to conceive, i would probably miscarry before the end of the first trimester. i was absolutely destroyed. for months afterward, the sight of a baby, the sound of a child's laugh, even seeing baby clothes in the store would set off a torrent of tears. i struggled to understand why God would allow someone who had so much love to give to a child to suffer such a fate. this contributed to the distance i felt forming between me and God, making the idea of worshiping Him that much harder. (that's a story for another time, though.) slowly, i tried to climb out of the dark, deep hole i found myself in, and i put the idea of having children away, believing that it wouldn't matter since i would be single the rest of my life anyway.
fast forward to 2009, when i met my husband. before we ever got engaged, we had a long talk about the future and what we wanted. Thomas wanted children, and i had to explain my painful secret to him. he was amazing in reacting to the whole thing, and he told me that we would adopt if need be. he didn't care where the kids came from as long as they ended up with us. i had already realized what an incredible man he was--this just sealed the deal. we decided that after we got married, we would give getting pregnant a shot after we'd been married a year.
less than two weeks after our one year anniversary, the word 'pregnant' appeared on the digital pregnancy test i took. and now, 6 months later, i feel my little girl, my princess, my Charlotte Grace nudging at the inside of my belly as i type this story out for you.
all children are blessings, yes. and they are all miracles. mine just happens to be a little more miracle to me. so yeah, maybe i am a little biased. ;)
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
it's bright out here! (says me and the baby)
i know. don't start. i'm a slacker. i think that for once, i have a pretty good excuse, since i am growing a totally new human being inside me. a perfectly healthy, two dimensionally beautiful, 185bpm heart rate having, spinning, twisting, shy and silly little person who has taken over my heart so completely that she is in everything i do. i've seen her head, her chin, one shoulder, her spine, her ribs and the two tiniest and most delicate feet i've ever laid eyes on. (yes, for the purpose of this blog and for ease of wording, i'm sticking with the feminine. besides, my mommy intuition says this wiggleworm is a girl. sorry in advance if we're wrong, little Liam baby.)
no one ever told me about the weird quirks of pregnancy. sure, everyone talks about the constant peeing, the morning sickness, and the fatigue. i've never heard anyone complain about being 10 degrees hotter than the air around you. i only get cold when the temperature gets below freezing. right now, it's great. come may or june, i could spontaneously combust.
and the 'growing pains'. these weird, pulling, stretching pains. i wait in fear for the next sneeze, trying to be prepared for a potential explosion.
the stopped up nose. it needs to stop.
i complain about these things, of course, and there are more 'quirks' that irritate me (see: spontaneous projectile vomiting and bone deep fatigue), but seeing my baby swimming around in there makes it all worth it. and today, while sitting and procrastinating this week's homework assignment (i. hate. statistics.), i felt this...flutter. like butterfly wings in my belly. like tiny little bubbles. now, i know what you're thinking. it wasn't gas. i know what gas feels like. i asked two different women who had children, and they confirmed it for me.
it is very likely that i felt my child move today.
if that's not enough of a reason to keep me busy, i don't know what is.
no one ever told me about the weird quirks of pregnancy. sure, everyone talks about the constant peeing, the morning sickness, and the fatigue. i've never heard anyone complain about being 10 degrees hotter than the air around you. i only get cold when the temperature gets below freezing. right now, it's great. come may or june, i could spontaneously combust.
and the 'growing pains'. these weird, pulling, stretching pains. i wait in fear for the next sneeze, trying to be prepared for a potential explosion.
the stopped up nose. it needs to stop.
i complain about these things, of course, and there are more 'quirks' that irritate me (see: spontaneous projectile vomiting and bone deep fatigue), but seeing my baby swimming around in there makes it all worth it. and today, while sitting and procrastinating this week's homework assignment (i. hate. statistics.), i felt this...flutter. like butterfly wings in my belly. like tiny little bubbles. now, i know what you're thinking. it wasn't gas. i know what gas feels like. i asked two different women who had children, and they confirmed it for me.
it is very likely that i felt my child move today.
if that's not enough of a reason to keep me busy, i don't know what is.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
ha! freaky facts about me
so on youtube i saw this tag going around where people were answering questions about quirky personal habits. the questions sounded like fun, so i figured i'd copy them and answer them myself.
#1. What's a nickname only your family calls you? hmm. that's an interesting question because the people i consider 'family' aren't all biologically related to me. my sister and many of my wesleyan sisters call me 'beeah'. (calley spells it 'bia'.) when calley was little, she had trouble pronouncing the 'r' in my name, so i became bia. i told my friends at wesleyan about it, and the name was revived and stuck. kathryn calls me 'b'.
#2. What's a weird habit of yours? weird habit? me? nothing! actually...my husband says that sometimes when i'm working on schoolwork or reading or something, i roll my tongue around in my mouth and make little noises with it. i don't even realize i'm doing it!
#3. Do you have any weird phobias? not anymore. when i was a kid, i was petrified of roly-poly bugs and inchworms. i know, i know...bizarre. i was also tickle-phobic, but thomas broke me of that.
#4. What's a song you secretly LOVE to blast & belt out when you're alone? 'total eclipse of the heart'. i'm not ashamed!
#5. What's one of your biggest pet peeves? willful ignorance. and stupid drivers.
#6. What's one of your nervous habits? i pick at my cuticles. yes, i know it's gross. shut up.
#7. What side of the bed do you sleep on? if you are standing at the foot of the bed, it's the right. away from the door and with thomas closest to the gun. :)
#8. What was your first stuffed animal & its name? a teddy bear named sara. i actually still have her.
#9. What's the drink you ALWAYS order at starbucks? iced caramel macchiato with non-fat milk and no whipped cream.
#10. What's the beauty rule you preach.. but never ACTUALLY practice? always wash your face before bed. i admit it--i get lazy.
#11. Which way do you face in the shower? back to the spray at first, then facing it.
#12. Do you have any 'weird' body 'skills'? not especially. i can put on lipstick without using my hands, but can't most girls?
#13. What's your favorite 'comfort food'/food thats 'bad' but you love to eat it anyway? chinese food. i always want it when i'm upset or sick.
#14. What's a phrase or exclamation you always say? 'aw, dick'. 'douchecanoe'. 'he/she/they done lost his/her/they damn mind'. (i realize that last one is not grammatically correct, but it's true. also, there is one old and good one, but it's too vulgar to post here. kathryn reminded me of it a while back, and it is still funny after all these years.)
#15. Time to sleep- what are you ACTUALLY wearing? more than likely, a tank top and shorts. if it's cold, pj pants and a t-shirt. i know...super sexy!
after answering these, i realize that on the whole, i'm pretty normal. seems strange that i'm not more, well...strange.
#1. What's a nickname only your family calls you? hmm. that's an interesting question because the people i consider 'family' aren't all biologically related to me. my sister and many of my wesleyan sisters call me 'beeah'. (calley spells it 'bia'.) when calley was little, she had trouble pronouncing the 'r' in my name, so i became bia. i told my friends at wesleyan about it, and the name was revived and stuck. kathryn calls me 'b'.
#2. What's a weird habit of yours? weird habit? me? nothing! actually...my husband says that sometimes when i'm working on schoolwork or reading or something, i roll my tongue around in my mouth and make little noises with it. i don't even realize i'm doing it!
#3. Do you have any weird phobias? not anymore. when i was a kid, i was petrified of roly-poly bugs and inchworms. i know, i know...bizarre. i was also tickle-phobic, but thomas broke me of that.
#4. What's a song you secretly LOVE to blast & belt out when you're alone? 'total eclipse of the heart'. i'm not ashamed!
#5. What's one of your biggest pet peeves? willful ignorance. and stupid drivers.
#6. What's one of your nervous habits? i pick at my cuticles. yes, i know it's gross. shut up.
#7. What side of the bed do you sleep on? if you are standing at the foot of the bed, it's the right. away from the door and with thomas closest to the gun. :)
#8. What was your first stuffed animal & its name? a teddy bear named sara. i actually still have her.
#9. What's the drink you ALWAYS order at starbucks? iced caramel macchiato with non-fat milk and no whipped cream.
#10. What's the beauty rule you preach.. but never ACTUALLY practice? always wash your face before bed. i admit it--i get lazy.
#11. Which way do you face in the shower? back to the spray at first, then facing it.
#12. Do you have any 'weird' body 'skills'? not especially. i can put on lipstick without using my hands, but can't most girls?
#13. What's your favorite 'comfort food'/food thats 'bad' but you love to eat it anyway? chinese food. i always want it when i'm upset or sick.
#14. What's a phrase or exclamation you always say? 'aw, dick'. 'douchecanoe'. 'he/she/they done lost his/her/they damn mind'. (i realize that last one is not grammatically correct, but it's true. also, there is one old and good one, but it's too vulgar to post here. kathryn reminded me of it a while back, and it is still funny after all these years.)
#15. Time to sleep- what are you ACTUALLY wearing? more than likely, a tank top and shorts. if it's cold, pj pants and a t-shirt. i know...super sexy!
after answering these, i realize that on the whole, i'm pretty normal. seems strange that i'm not more, well...strange.
Monday, September 5, 2011
paint by numbers
i have become obsessed with makeup. like, seriously obsessed. i've ordered it online, driven to macon to go to ulta, shopped in every discount store in town. i've compared countless brushes, bought a drawer organizer at the church yard sale, and filled the drawers with baskets and products.
my drawers look like they belong to a makeup artist. and it makes me happy.
i've discovered two high quality and inexpensive lines recently. one is elf, or eyeslipsface. it can be found at target, kmart and even the dollar tree (shout out to kathryn for finding it there the other night) or online at eyeslipsface.com. i've tried products from two of their lines, the essentials line and the studio line. (i don't wear mineral makeup because i have fairly oily skin.) i. love. it. i have primers and bronzers and powders and brushes from both lines, and i am super impressed. the brushes are soft and full, and they have a wide range of different shapes. the makeup is great, too. they have a contouring bronzer and blush combo that looks like an exact duplicate for the nars orgasm and laguna duo. i've also used their matifying powder, because again--oily skin. works as well as the more expensive powders i've tried. i'm also super impressed with their eyeshadow primer...i think it is as good as the urban decay primer potion. the best part about elf products? the price! everything in the studio line is only $3, and the essentials line? $1.
yes, you read that right. one dollar. four quarters. 10 dimes. 100 pennies. (pennies are practically obsolete these days, aren't they? i can't remember the last time i used a penny. i have a bunch jingling around in the bottom of my purse...probably enough to buy something from elf!)
the other company whose products i have been hoarding is nyx. ulta carries this line, as does one of the beauty supply stores in warner robins and a couple in macon. nyx cosmetics can be purchased online as well. nyxcosmetics.com is their official site, but i have seen better prices at cherryculture.com and beautyjoint.com. in fact, i just placed an order with cherry culture because they had a 20% off coupon code and a free shipping deal. i got several things i couldn't find at ulta, so i'm excited. i can't say enough good things about this company. cruelty free, tons of gorgeous colors to choose from, and fairly inexpensive. the shadow trios at ulta run about $8, and i picked up a 5 color palette from cherry culture for $7.50. not bad for five colors, especially when you consider the cost of single shadows of decent quality in the drugstore. the colors are very pigmented and go on so smoothly. i have so much fun matching them up and playing with combinations. the lip products are awesome, too. rich lipsticks and vibrant, nonsticky glosses. i even love their blushes, and i've never been much of a blush girl. in fact, just tonight i ordered my very first cream blush. we'll see how that goes.
thomas told me earlier that he had read about something called the 'lipstick index'. basically, the chairman of estee lauder stated once that women were more likely to purchase lipstick instead of higher cost items in times of economic trouble. the idea has been proven false, but the psychology behind it makes sense to me. i know that i am much more likely to brighten my mood by buying a $4 lipstick than a $20 dress or pair of shoes. just making that little change and adding that pop of color improves my mood quite a bit. even now, as sick as i feel (i have a throat infection that makes me feel like i'm swallowing razor blades), organizing my makeup collection in my new drawers and putting away my latest nyx haul from ulta cheers me up. of course, then i choke on my own saliva (lovely image, i know) and my cheer dissipates. oh well. medication can cure what makeup can't. in the meantime, i think i'll check out some smoky eye tutorials on youtube...
my drawers look like they belong to a makeup artist. and it makes me happy.
i've discovered two high quality and inexpensive lines recently. one is elf, or eyeslipsface. it can be found at target, kmart and even the dollar tree (shout out to kathryn for finding it there the other night) or online at eyeslipsface.com. i've tried products from two of their lines, the essentials line and the studio line. (i don't wear mineral makeup because i have fairly oily skin.) i. love. it. i have primers and bronzers and powders and brushes from both lines, and i am super impressed. the brushes are soft and full, and they have a wide range of different shapes. the makeup is great, too. they have a contouring bronzer and blush combo that looks like an exact duplicate for the nars orgasm and laguna duo. i've also used their matifying powder, because again--oily skin. works as well as the more expensive powders i've tried. i'm also super impressed with their eyeshadow primer...i think it is as good as the urban decay primer potion. the best part about elf products? the price! everything in the studio line is only $3, and the essentials line? $1.
yes, you read that right. one dollar. four quarters. 10 dimes. 100 pennies. (pennies are practically obsolete these days, aren't they? i can't remember the last time i used a penny. i have a bunch jingling around in the bottom of my purse...probably enough to buy something from elf!)
the other company whose products i have been hoarding is nyx. ulta carries this line, as does one of the beauty supply stores in warner robins and a couple in macon. nyx cosmetics can be purchased online as well. nyxcosmetics.com is their official site, but i have seen better prices at cherryculture.com and beautyjoint.com. in fact, i just placed an order with cherry culture because they had a 20% off coupon code and a free shipping deal. i got several things i couldn't find at ulta, so i'm excited. i can't say enough good things about this company. cruelty free, tons of gorgeous colors to choose from, and fairly inexpensive. the shadow trios at ulta run about $8, and i picked up a 5 color palette from cherry culture for $7.50. not bad for five colors, especially when you consider the cost of single shadows of decent quality in the drugstore. the colors are very pigmented and go on so smoothly. i have so much fun matching them up and playing with combinations. the lip products are awesome, too. rich lipsticks and vibrant, nonsticky glosses. i even love their blushes, and i've never been much of a blush girl. in fact, just tonight i ordered my very first cream blush. we'll see how that goes.
thomas told me earlier that he had read about something called the 'lipstick index'. basically, the chairman of estee lauder stated once that women were more likely to purchase lipstick instead of higher cost items in times of economic trouble. the idea has been proven false, but the psychology behind it makes sense to me. i know that i am much more likely to brighten my mood by buying a $4 lipstick than a $20 dress or pair of shoes. just making that little change and adding that pop of color improves my mood quite a bit. even now, as sick as i feel (i have a throat infection that makes me feel like i'm swallowing razor blades), organizing my makeup collection in my new drawers and putting away my latest nyx haul from ulta cheers me up. of course, then i choke on my own saliva (lovely image, i know) and my cheer dissipates. oh well. medication can cure what makeup can't. in the meantime, i think i'll check out some smoky eye tutorials on youtube...
Monday, August 1, 2011
name calling
okay, first. yes, it's been something like 2 months since i updated. grad school has eaten my life. also? no one is reading this thing anyway. who am i explaining this to, exactly? i think there is not one soul actually reading the words in this blog. sure, i'd love to be one of those people who has enough of a life to warrant lots of readers and comments on exciting and interesting entries, but the fact of the matter is i'm dullsville. all i do is schoolwork, clean my house, spend time with my husband and my friends, and read or watch tv for fun. seriously...i am milquetoast. i could bore myself to sleep. seriozzzzzzzzz.....
sorry. i'll try to stay awake for the remainder of this post. again, not that anyone will know.
it occurs to me that broadcasting how tedious my life is probably won't gain me any readers. counterproductive and all that. hmm. too late now. forge ahead!
so, names. what's in a name? that which we call mary or bob or dinah...or kinley or eammon or diaquanisha. i found this bad baby names site and spent more time than i care to admit laughing over the poor choices some people made for the thing their children will be saddled with forever. people make crazy decisions when it comes to naming their kids. i admit that i have a bit of a name hangup. i have a unique name which, despite being only four letters long, manages to get mangled more often than not. i've been brian, baria, maria, mary, brianne, brianna, hey you, what's-her-face and, my personal favorite...brain. yes, like the organ. let me explain. when thomas bought my engagement ring, somehow the lifetime warranty for the diamond ended up in my name. don't ask me how. we got engaged in march of 2010. per the warranty, i have to get the ring examined and cleaned every six months. i go into the jeweler's in september, about two weeks before the wedding, and the clerk can't find any warranty information in either my name or his. she finally manages to find it based on the date he purchased the ring, completes the inspection, and prints a copy of the report out for me. as she is cleaning my ring, i glance down at the piece of paper in my hand. clear as day, in giant letters next to 'name', it says:
KITCHENS, BRAIN
how did that even happen? in order for me to process this, i have to assume that the person who entered the information thought my name was brian and that 'brain' was a typo. now, i'm all for gay marriage (human rights should be equal rights, damnit), but my ring band seems awfully tiny in comparison to a man's hand. i could be wrong, though, and my seven-and-a-quarter size fingers could be a more common men's size than i think. my best point of reference is my husband, and he has giant fingers, so that's no help. (seriously, his wedding band is like a size twelve.) i asked the clerk if the spelling of my name could be corrected, and after she stopped laughing, she said no because everything was being tracked under that name with the diamond company and she didn't have the power to change it. so now i'm brain, proud owner of an inspection-passing diamond ring.
i can never find my name on any of those personalized items, either. not that i'm dying for a pencil or keyring with my name on it, but it's principle. and what does it mean? who knows. depending on which ultra accurate naming website i look at, it either means 'noble, strong and virtuous', 'hill', or my personal favorite, 'name not found'.
moral of the story: be conscious of the name you give to a person. and don't name a kid after a body part.
(for the record: charlotte grace, molly kate, harper elizabeth. liam thomas, andrew james. those are the names we've considering for our future offspring. though i may choose to sneak appendix jane onto that list.)
sorry. i'll try to stay awake for the remainder of this post. again, not that anyone will know.
it occurs to me that broadcasting how tedious my life is probably won't gain me any readers. counterproductive and all that. hmm. too late now. forge ahead!
so, names. what's in a name? that which we call mary or bob or dinah...or kinley or eammon or diaquanisha. i found this bad baby names site and spent more time than i care to admit laughing over the poor choices some people made for the thing their children will be saddled with forever. people make crazy decisions when it comes to naming their kids. i admit that i have a bit of a name hangup. i have a unique name which, despite being only four letters long, manages to get mangled more often than not. i've been brian, baria, maria, mary, brianne, brianna, hey you, what's-her-face and, my personal favorite...brain. yes, like the organ. let me explain. when thomas bought my engagement ring, somehow the lifetime warranty for the diamond ended up in my name. don't ask me how. we got engaged in march of 2010. per the warranty, i have to get the ring examined and cleaned every six months. i go into the jeweler's in september, about two weeks before the wedding, and the clerk can't find any warranty information in either my name or his. she finally manages to find it based on the date he purchased the ring, completes the inspection, and prints a copy of the report out for me. as she is cleaning my ring, i glance down at the piece of paper in my hand. clear as day, in giant letters next to 'name', it says:
KITCHENS, BRAIN
how did that even happen? in order for me to process this, i have to assume that the person who entered the information thought my name was brian and that 'brain' was a typo. now, i'm all for gay marriage (human rights should be equal rights, damnit), but my ring band seems awfully tiny in comparison to a man's hand. i could be wrong, though, and my seven-and-a-quarter size fingers could be a more common men's size than i think. my best point of reference is my husband, and he has giant fingers, so that's no help. (seriously, his wedding band is like a size twelve.) i asked the clerk if the spelling of my name could be corrected, and after she stopped laughing, she said no because everything was being tracked under that name with the diamond company and she didn't have the power to change it. so now i'm brain, proud owner of an inspection-passing diamond ring.
i can never find my name on any of those personalized items, either. not that i'm dying for a pencil or keyring with my name on it, but it's principle. and what does it mean? who knows. depending on which ultra accurate naming website i look at, it either means 'noble, strong and virtuous', 'hill', or my personal favorite, 'name not found'.
moral of the story: be conscious of the name you give to a person. and don't name a kid after a body part.
(for the record: charlotte grace, molly kate, harper elizabeth. liam thomas, andrew james. those are the names we've considering for our future offspring. though i may choose to sneak appendix jane onto that list.)
Monday, May 16, 2011
yeah, no, see...it's been busy
may 2011. what a month...and it's only now half over. i guess the most recent craziness really started in april, so let me backtrack.
the last weekend in april, thomas and i went down to moultrie for the relay for life. relay for life is an american cancer society event that raises money for research and treatment. since my mom was diagnosed in 1992, i haven't missed a colquitt county relay. it meant so much to her, and to us all. i still go and i can feel her spirit in every inch of that event. her name and her mark are all over it. see?
she had tiny little hands, and she did her hand print in purple because of me. :) yes, seeing this makes me cry every year.
one of mom's 6 luminaries. in the weeks leading up to relay, people purchased luminaries--candles in honor of those who have survived their fights, and in memory of those whose battles have ended. the candles are placed in bags with the honorees name on them, and they are placed around the softball fields where we walk, outside the fence, in a circle. they line the track--a visible reminder of our reasons for being there. they light our path of hope in the darkness. when it gets dark, the relay attendees leave the field and gather outside the fence to light the candles, hear the names being read aloud, and remember. we think of those we've lost and we hope for those still fighting. it is a beautiful way to bring us all together. it breaks my heart every year, because the list of names gets longer and longer, and in a town the size of moultrie, it's shocking and scary. every year, i watch the candles burn and i pray fervently for God to touch the community and hold them in His hands as they fight the good fight. and of course, i cry and i miss mom so much. she is so loved to this day by the community she gave so much to, and it means everything to us.
the last weekend in april, thomas and i went down to moultrie for the relay for life. relay for life is an american cancer society event that raises money for research and treatment. since my mom was diagnosed in 1992, i haven't missed a colquitt county relay. it meant so much to her, and to us all. i still go and i can feel her spirit in every inch of that event. her name and her mark are all over it. see?
she had tiny little hands, and she did her hand print in purple because of me. :) yes, seeing this makes me cry every year.
with my beautiful sister at relay.
just a couple of days before relay, terrible storms tore through the south, causing damage and destruction across multiple states. i stayed awake the entire night tracking the storms and praying for those in the path. when the sun rose on that thursday, the devastation became clear, and my mind began racing. i decided i had to do something to help those who had suffered so much. i think it must have been my mother's voice making suggestions to me. i decided to hold a relief drive to gather supplies to take to multiple counties in georgia that had been affected by the tornadoes. i spread the word on facebook, through word of mouth, and was even on the news. people called, emailed and texted me. 'i have donations...where do i take them?' i drove all over central georgia that week, filling my car again and again with the donations of the generous people of my community. i cried each time i looked at the stack of boxes and bags getting higher. (i'm beginning to sense a theme for this post.) my dad drove up from moultrie with a carload of donations, including bags of supplies he bought himself. my father-in-law got us a trailer and a pallet of water from his employer. on may 7, we filled a trailer and two suv's and drove across the state of georgia, delivering supplies to drop sites in barnesville and griffin. here is what i wrote when we got home that day:
We're home. What an amazing and heartbreaking day. We met incredible people and were able to help so many. We heard stories of survival, of loss and of the courage and tenacity of the human spirit. We were hugged, thanked and blessed. We worked ourselves to the bone, drove hundreds of miles and were sweating off pounds. I saw a little girl cling to a donated teddy bear like it was a lifeline--for her, it was. We saw the devastation in Lamar and Spalding counties, and I broke down and cried like a baby. We carried thousands of bottles of water, hundreds of pieces of clothing, and countless boxes full of vital supplies. We couldn't help but laugh at the sheer volume of canned green beans. I marveled at the items people consider 'non-perishable essentials' (chopped clams are essential to someone!). We debated the placement of jars of spaghetti sauce and moved furniture all over creation. We laughed, we listened and most of all, we helped. And we did it because of all of you. The goodness and generosity of the people of Central Georgia cannot be measured. The supplies, the money, and the prayers were a precious gift to these people. My heart is so full I am moved to tears again. The warehouses, which just 3 days ago were empty and inciting panic, were filled to the brim today with donations and filled with the great joy of loving each other and drawing together to save lives. It really doesn't get any better than that.
Saying thank you is not enough. It will never be enough for me. I have no adequate way to show how much your participation in this drive means to me. I have never been so honored and so proud of my community as I am today. I have never loved my town and my state so much. I have never been so grateful for the goodness of others. You are all truly amazing people.
My most sincere thanks go to the tremendous people in my life who worked as hard at this effort as I did: my dear father, my loving and gracious in-laws, the most wonderful and beautiful friends in the world--Kathryn, Erin and Courtney--and of course, my selfless and sweet husband. Without you guys, I could never have made this work. You made the burden lighter and kept the ball rolling all week to ensure that we had everything we needed to pull this off. I owe you all a debit of gratitude I can never repay, and I love you all so much.
As I said earlier this week, my life has been irrevocably changed by this experience. I will never be the same, and for that, I am eternally thankful.
"You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good."
i meant every word of it, too. the drive was an incredible experience that has changed me for good, in more ways than one. best of all? i felt my mom's spirit by my side the entire time. i am so glad she could be a part of this with us.
in the midst of all of this, i realized that on may 11, i had been out of college 9 years. eeek!
then came mother's day. very hard day for me, and i don't like talking about that. it's a very hard day for me, but spending it with people i love (my husband and his family) made it much easier to bear.
then all of a sudden, another week was over, and it was nana's birthday! i love thomas's grandmother to bits and was excited to see her for her birthday. what i didn't realize (and probably should have, in hindsight) was that the entire family would be there...i looked like crap! in my defense, i've been dealing with a nasty case of insomnia (see the time stamp on this entry for proof), and had by yesterday (well, saturday) slept about 15 hours since the thursday before. i'm so glad there is photographic proof of my appearance that day. /sarcasm
oh well. still fun and totally worth it.
thomas (freshly shaven *sad face*) and the birthday girl.
aww. i can't help it...i love him.
which brings me to today (yesterday by now). it was my sunday to provide flowers in the sanctuary at church. of course, i chose the day to honor the memory of my mom. in the bulletin, it said that i had given the flowers "to the glory of God and in loving memory of her beautiful mother, peggy andrew".
as cile (our pastor) read those words and said that she and the congregation would be remembering mom with me today, i felt my heart fill with such a sense of love and peace. no one in my church family except kathryn ever had the chance to meet mom, but they were loving and thinking of me--and her--today. i felt her with me again today, and it brought me so much joy. i know she is always with me, and i am so thankful that i will one day see her again. what a blessing i don't deserve, all thanks to the glory of the Lord!
so that's the month so far. busy but filled with good deeds. i hope the last half of the month is as good!
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