yeah, no, see...it's been busy

may 2011.  what a month...and it's only now half over.  i guess the most recent craziness really started in april, so let me backtrack.  


the last weekend in april, thomas and i went down to moultrie for the relay for life.  relay for life is an american cancer society event that raises money for research and treatment.  since my mom was diagnosed in 1992, i haven't missed a colquitt county relay.  it meant so much to her, and to us all.  i still go and i can feel her spirit in every inch of that event.  her name and her mark are all over it.  see?

she had tiny little hands, and she did her hand print in purple because of me.  :)  yes, seeing this makes me cry every year.  

one of mom's 6 luminaries.  in the weeks leading up to relay, people purchased luminaries--candles in honor of those who have survived their fights, and in memory of those whose battles have ended. the candles are placed in bags with the honorees name on them, and they are placed around the softball fields where we walk, outside the fence, in a circle. they line the track--a visible reminder of our reasons for being there. they light our path of hope in the darkness.  when it gets dark, the relay attendees leave the field and gather outside the fence to light the candles, hear the names being read aloud, and remember.  we think of those we've lost and we hope for those still fighting.  it is a beautiful way to bring us all together.  it breaks my heart every year, because the list of names gets longer and longer, and in a town the size of moultrie, it's shocking and scary.  every year, i watch the candles burn and i pray fervently for God to touch the community and hold them in His hands as they fight the good fight.  and of course, i cry and i miss mom so much.  she is so loved to this day by the community she gave so much to, and it means everything to us.  

with my beautiful sister at relay.  

just a couple of days before relay, terrible storms tore through the south, causing damage and destruction across multiple states.  i stayed awake the entire night tracking the storms and praying for those in the path.  when the sun rose on that thursday, the devastation became clear, and my mind began racing.  i decided i had to do something to help those who had suffered so much.  i think it must have been my mother's voice making suggestions to me.  i decided to hold a relief drive to gather supplies to take to multiple counties in georgia that had been affected by the tornadoes.  i spread the word on facebook, through word of mouth, and was even on the news.  people called, emailed and texted me.  'i have donations...where do i take them?'  i drove all over central georgia that week, filling my car again and again with the donations of the generous people of my community.  i cried each time i looked at the stack of boxes and bags getting higher.  (i'm beginning to sense a theme for this post.)  my dad drove up from moultrie with a carload of donations, including bags of supplies he bought himself.  my father-in-law got us a trailer and a pallet of water from his employer.  on may 7, we filled a trailer and two suv's and drove across the state of georgia, delivering supplies to drop sites in barnesville and griffin.  here is what i wrote when we got home that day:  

We're home. What an amazing and heartbreaking day. We met incredible people and were able to help so many. We heard stories of survival, of loss and of the courage and tenacity of the human spirit. We were hugged, thanked and blessed. We worked ourselves to the bone, drove hundreds of miles and were sweating off pounds. I saw a little girl cling to a donated teddy bear like it was a lifeline--for her, it was. We saw the devastation in Lamar and Spalding counties, and I broke down and cried like a baby. We carried thousands of bottles of water, hundreds of pieces of clothing, and countless boxes full of vital supplies. We couldn't help but laugh at the sheer volume of canned green beans. I marveled at the items people consider 'non-perishable essentials' (chopped clams are essential to someone!). We debated the placement of jars of spaghetti sauce and moved furniture all over creation. We laughed, we listened and most of all, we helped. And we did it because of all of you. The goodness and generosity of the people of Central Georgia cannot be measured. The supplies, the money, and the prayers were a precious gift to these people. My heart is so full I am moved to tears again. The warehouses, which just 3 days ago were empty and inciting panic, were filled to the brim today with donations and filled with the great joy of loving each other and drawing together to save lives. It really doesn't get any better than that.

Saying thank you is not enough. It will never be enough for me. I have no adequate way to show how much your participation in this drive means to me. I have never been so honored and so proud of my community as I am today. I have never loved my town and my state so much. I have never been so grateful for the goodness of others. You are all truly amazing people.

My most sincere thanks go to the tremendous people in my life who worked as hard at this effort as I did: my dear father, my loving and gracious in-laws, the most wonderful and beautiful friends in the world--Kathryn, Erin and Courtney--and of course, my selfless and sweet husband. Without you guys, I could never have made this work. You made the burden lighter and kept the ball rolling all week to ensure that we had everything we needed to pull this off. I owe you all a debit of gratitude I can never repay, and I love you all so much.

As I said earlier this week, my life has been irrevocably changed by this experience. I will never be the same, and for that, I am eternally thankful.

"You'll be with me

Like a handprint on my heart

And now whatever way our stories end

I know you have re-written mine

By being my friend...

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

But because I knew you

I have been changed for good."

i meant every word of it, too.  the drive was an incredible experience that has changed me for good, in more ways than one.  best of all?  i felt my mom's spirit by my side the entire time.  i am so glad she could be a part of this with us.  

in the midst of all of this, i realized that on may 11, i had been out of college 9 years.  eeek!

then came mother's day.  very hard day for me, and i don't like talking about that.  it's a very hard day for me, but spending it with people i love (my husband and his family) made it much easier to bear.  

then all of a sudden, another week was over, and it was nana's birthday!  i love thomas's grandmother to bits and was excited to see her for her birthday.  what i didn't realize (and probably should have, in hindsight) was that the entire family would be there...i looked like crap!  in my defense, i've been dealing with a nasty case of insomnia (see the time stamp on this entry for proof), and had by yesterday (well, saturday) slept about 15 hours since the thursday before.  i'm so glad there is photographic proof of my appearance that day.  /sarcasm

oh well.  still fun and totally worth it. 

thomas (freshly shaven *sad face*) and the birthday girl.  

aww.  i can't help it...i love him.  

which brings me to today (yesterday by now).  it was my sunday to provide flowers in the sanctuary at church.  of course, i chose the day to honor the memory of my mom.  in the bulletin, it said that i had given the flowers "to the glory of God and in loving memory of her beautiful mother, peggy andrew".  

as cile (our pastor) read those words and said that she and the congregation would be remembering mom with me today, i felt my heart fill with such a sense of love and peace.  no one in my church family except kathryn ever had the chance to meet mom, but they were loving and thinking of me--and her--today.  i felt her with me again today, and it brought me so much joy.  i know she is always with me, and i am so thankful that i will one day see her again.  what a blessing i don't deserve, all thanks to the glory of the Lord!  

so that's the month so far.  busy but filled with good deeds.  i hope the last half of the month is as good!

being a student again...why i took the plunge

i'm in graduate school.  yes, almost 10 years after i graduated from wesleyan, i am back in school.  i'm getting my master's in counseling, and i have to admit, higher education is in fact like riding a bike.  sure, i had to get back into the swing of it, but once i adjusted, it's been smooth sailing.  i'm actually learning a lot and remembering a lot that i forgot :).  each semester i take 2 courses.  since this was my first semester, one class only lasted 4 weeks (an orientation class for online education).  i'm more than halfway through with my second class, and i have a 99.  i was really worried about the idea of taking classes strictly online.  i was afraid i was going to be one of those people who had to be in an actual classroom all the time--you know, the traditional brick-and-mortar program like i had in my undergrad days.  i surprised myself with how quickly i adjusted to online classes.  i love the flexibility of working on school when i want to (as long as i meet my deadlines, which i do), and i enjoy how different the interaction with my classmates is when all we have are our words.  it's been really fun to see my classmates take on the topics we study, because so many of them have real world experience in the field and can offer interesting perspectives that i can learn from.  i love it.  i have recommended online classes to several friends and am a firm believer in the idea.


i'm excited about being in school again too because i think that getting my master's will make achieving my long-term goal easier.  once i receive my Master's Degree, i plan to sit for the georgia state licensing exam.  my goal is to start a non-profit agency that specializes in working with patients with long-term, critical and terminal diseases.  there are many variables involved—insurance and financial issues, the need for proper self-care for the patient and the family, help with obtaining the necessary treatments, and even trauma counseling or crisis intervention.  i have seen first hand the need for this program and dream of being able to provide these services to others.  i wish to this day that an agency like that had been available to us all those years ago when my mother's illness first struck. mom helped start the MOST group because she felt the need to find a way to provide for others what hadn't been there when she was sick.  i'm inspired to do the same thing.  putting off grad school right after wesleyan was absolutely the right decision, because being able to be near mom during the last recurrence of her illness and being close enough to be there with her at the end was more than worth the delay.  the loss is still raw and painful to me, but her courage and dignity throughout her illness inspire me every day.  i know that she never wanted me to shelve my dreams for her sake, and i know that she is proud of me for what i am accomplishing.  almost 3 years now she's been gone...it seems so hard to believe.  on nights like this, when i'm exhausted and have work to finish, and the thought of phoning it in crosses my mind, i think about mom and what this would mean to her, and i know i could never give it anything more than my best.  she would expect nothing less, and i refuse to disappoint her.  

WTF is wrong with my cat?

some of you know my poor, dumb cat, sam.  lately, sam (or sammy cat kitty face, as i often call her) has had to wear a cone to keep her from scratching a spot on her neck.  it's bad (read: funny) enough that she becomes a bobblehead when she walks, or that she loses all depth perception, or that she tends to get stuck behind the couch when she forgets that she can back up.  tonight she took me by surprise with her newest cone behavior.

we were sitting on the couch watching 'the daily show'.  sam was in thomas's lap, minding her own business when i heard a sound.  i looked over at her to see what it was, and i found her licking the inside of the cone.  just licking away.  there was nothing on the cone, not that i could see, but she was going at it like it was coated in catnip.  now, i will say this.  last week, i saw joy licking the front door.  (yeah, i don't get that one either.)  bizarre cat behavior is nothing new in our house.  what startled me was the gusto with which sam was licking the plastic cone.  she hates wearing it, which made the the sudden 'it haz flavr' all the more confusing.  of course, the moment i noticed her doing it, she stopped and looked at me as if i had somehow offended her.  when i pointed this out to my husband, he took to tickling her and saying 'you can't do nothing about it' in this ridiculous voice.  then, he grabbed her legs and she proceeded to topple over like those fainting goats on youtube.  (seriously, they are pretty funny.  see them here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=we9_CdNPuJg)

she's gone back to acting all mopey and pitiful in the cone, but i'm not buying it now.  i've got you figured out now, cat.  i'm not falling for the 'poor me' act any more.  of course, i say that, but as soon as she mews and gives me that sad little face, i'll be right back to wanting to take the cone off of her, no matter how much she might like the plastic taste...which is her endgame, i know.  

what have i done now?

i have no idea what possessed me to start a blog.  it's not like my life is all that interesting, or that i want to spend any more time in front of the computer.  i'm a full time grad student...i spend half my life on this laptop.  even so, here i am.

i don't have any sort of plan for this thing.  just...saying what i think when i think it.  random thoughts as they pop up?  my commentary on the world around me?  some combination of both, i suspect.

anyway, welcome to anyone who might stumble across this experiment of mine.